Name: material marriage

State: IL

Age: 29

Comment: I’m currently in a committed relationship with someone I see a future with. We’ve both discussed marriage and are on the same page regarding spending, children, etc. My questions is: should we combine our finances before a solid marriage is official?

I’m personally uncomfortable with this idea and expressed that very clearly to him. He was extremely hurt and felt it meant I didn’t have faith in us working out at some point. He makes more than me and doesn’t need the cash and neither of us are in debt nor outrageous spenders. He makes it clear that what’s his is ours. Am I being selfish?

Why are you uncomfortable with the idea? I’m not saying that I don’t share your concerns. I do.I get it. With how volatile everything is with the economy and unemployment and the like, I absolutely understand your hesitation.

Is your ambivalence really about joining finances…or are you using finances to maintain a sense of independence in your relationship?

I think a very big fear for women, other than the real possibility that the marriage might not work out, is that they will lose themselves and their identities should they marry or settle down with someone else in some way. We’ve spent so long developing our careers and gotten so used to calling our own shots that involving someone else unsettles us. Is it that we fear we’re giving in to a tradition we’ve been told (and have told ourselves) is antiquated and unnecessary? Is it that we feel like traitors in some way? Or is it something more…like a fear of making ourselves totally vulnerable?

I’m going on a tangent here.

In general, I’m seeing and hearing about an overall terror at the idea of letting men in at all.

There was a letter a few weeks ago from a woman who had just completed her Masters Degree and was unemployed. She said she stopped dating the men she used to date, the successful ones, and began to date men who she thought would expect less from her. Let’s switch out “long term unemployed” from her story and replace it with “long term single.” It seems like the longer a woman stays single, the more uncomfortable she becomes dating a man who is ready and available. She becomes afraid of revealing her dating history to the man. So, in order to combat the inevitable anxiety over answering that question, she goes for men that she believes will expect “less” from her. Or maybe she has had a few relationships in the recent past, but they were all with men who ended up hurting or disappointing them. Whatever her history is, she doesn’t want the man she meets to know. So she goes for men she knows, ultimately, won’t care enough about her to ask or want to know. These women have started to identify, consciously or unconsciously, with men they perceive as “unavailable” or “damaged.” In some cases the woman knows why she’s identifying with these particular men. But others are completely unaware of what they’re doing, falling in to the same pattern over and over again, reaping the exact same results.

Making things even more confusing are all the mixed messages out there. The posturing disguised as feminism, especially in regards to our sexual choices. The cases for settling or not settling. How we can have it all with sacrificing anything. The poisoning of men against women and women against men. Is it really any wonder that so many women are afraid or at least really, really confused? We don’t know who we’re “supposed” to be.It feels like many women are trying to live up to other women’s expectations instead of their own.

/end tangent

OP, I don’t think you’re “wrong” for not wanting to join your finances. In theory, it sounds like a very rational decision. What you have to figure out is if that choice is based on anything that goes beyond financial security or stability. Marriage is, among other things, a merger of assets. It is a financial transaction of sorts. If you wanted to invest in a company, would you tell the CEO that you’d be happy to work for the company, but not invest any of your own money? Of course not. This is a big reason why so many people are not getting married but rather choosing to live together and opting for domestic partnerships. They’re still a bond and a commitment, but the finances play a much smaller role.

If you’re not willing to merge finances in some way then – in my opinion – you’re not ready for marriage. Which is okay. It’s okay to not want to be married. Who can blame you? Marriage is a Big Deal. Capital B, capital D. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your boyfriend, nor does it mean you’re not willing or capable of committing to him. But in order to survive, you and your boyfriend need to discuss if you’re on the same page in terms of values. Is marriage really the only viable and acceptable option in order for both of you to be happy?

Start with determining why you’re afraid to join financial forces. Then explain your concerns to your boyfriend and have an honest discussion about marriage and commitment and what those things mean to the both of you. Then see if you two can find common ground and go from there.

References:

Women Are Like Cats, Betas Are Like Dogs

A Discussion About "Nice Guys(TM)" And The Mating Market Shortage Of Valuable Mates

Are The Sexes Evenly Matched In Terms Of “Dating Power”?

Why Game Remains Essential In Today's Dating Marketplace

The Great Dating Game Debate: Why Game Knowledge Is Here To Stay

Why Should Black Men Get Married?

How Women s Delaying Marriage Unleashes Casual-Sex Hypergamy and Causes Average Men to Check Out

Love, Dating and Sex in the 1980s: Setting the Stage for the Casual Sex Culture